Fresh start for fresh beginnings

Some people come into your life, and walk straight back out. Others are here to stay for a little bit longer. But we can’t be upset with those who don’t hang around to enjoy the ride, we just have to appreciate the impact that they have made on us for that short while. The people who hang around, I’ve learned, are the true friends, true loves and true souls. The people who don’t care if you sing your heart out to Ed Sheeran, the people who love that you get white girl low to Flo Rida, the people who eat McDonald’s with you at 3am while you cry to Marley and Me, the people who aren’t afraid to see you at your worst, the people who stand by you to bring out your best.

It’s been a long journey, I’ve been walking in the sun, along the beautiful beach of life. My travels have been enlightening, my self confidence has grown and my outlook more positive than ever. I turn around to see how far I have come, only to see that the waves have washed away my footprints, it becomes clear that the past no longer matters, how far I’ve come on a thousand mile journey doesn’t define me, it’s the people I’ve picked up along the way and the ones who were always there that have made reaching the destination so promising.

I’ve never been great at self love, but when you surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, what you’re passionate about and what you do with your life, you start to see what all the fuss is about. I may spend my Saturday’s with a vodka lime soda in hand dancing to some shitty RnB music, I might spend all of my Monday in bed reading a cheesy romance novel, I sometimes spend 2 hours getting ready to go on a lunch date, I might fake tan once a week and drive a car that has leopard print seat covers but these things make me, me. We are always changing and always growing, sometimes the self love has a bit of catching up to do, but you have to begin to understand that life is too short to worry about anything other than being happy.

I can’t tell you whats next, I can’t tell you who will stick around, but I can tell you it will all be worth it.

Until next time x

Chapter 6

It’s been a while since I’ve written, I thought things were improving, I thought I was changing, I thought I was better than this, but I was wrong.

I thought I could handle the waves and now I’m back floundering in the ocean, without a life jacket. It was all a facade. The waves are too strong and I’m struggling to find the strength to swim. The sea is harsh and cold, I gasp for air as I slowly begin to sink back to the bottom of the ocean floor. Water floods into my lungs as I desperately flail my arms in an attempt to swim back to the surface. My eyes burn as I try to see underwater, as I try to make sense of how I managed to get back to this point, but just like my vision, its all a blur. Darkness closes in and my body becomes limp, my eyes begin to close, my heart begins to slow. I feel cold and then I feel nothing.

I continue to sink, unaware of my surroundings, unaware of where I am going, but realising that this could be it. I do not welcome fear, I try to be brave as I accept the fate that I have bestowed upon myself. I want to believe that there is still hope for me to be rescued, but it has happened one too many times. I’m too deep, no one can reach me. I try to recall how I was still so lost, but so convinced everything was ok. The pieces of myself scattered across the sea bed. There is a gaping hole that can only be filled with the answer to, who am I?

My limp body descends further towards the dirty sand, the buoyancy of the water allows for a slow almost graceful sinkage. I am remorseful, but it’s too late.

Battling to keep my heart beating as it is slowly pulled from my chest.

Until next time x.

 

 

Chapter 4

4 weeks into my sobriety and I have never felt better. I still feel lost, but more so on a journey to self discovery. I am still full of regret, and will never be more sorry to the person I hurt the most, but today I look forward. It is time to stop regretting, time to stop feeling guilty and time to stop worrying about everything that has been, now it is time to take the first step out of the hot ashes, away from the burnt bridge, towards the path ahead. I am still hoping that you will join me, and hold my hand as we move forward from this together. Leaving the hurt and anguish behind us, starting afresh.

I can promise you that none of this will be easy, but for the first time in a long time, I can see a light at the end of this tunnel, I can see the shore from the middle of the sea, I know that the traveller will find her way without the lighthouse, because she has visited hell, been beaten by the devil and still managed to live to tell her story.

Too many tears have fallen, too many lies have been spoken and too many hearts have been broken. I will wait for you to choose your direction, there is a road we can take together or there is one which you can take alone, but please choose carefully, once you decide, there is no turning back, with or without you I will keep walking.

The ocean has calmed and the darkness is fading, there are most definitely better days ahead. I hope that you will be apart of what is still yet to come, but I understand if you choose to walk away. I’m tired of fighting and my hands hurt from clinging to the idea that there could be a chance for us. This weekend is so significant, I am all in, I have everything to gain, but everything to lose, I will accept which ever way the dice rolls and will keep moving forward, with or without you.

I’ll let you know if I win big, or if I lose it all.

Until next time x

 

Chapter 3

You know who you are,

You took a searing hot needle and stitched my lips tightly shut, each time you pierced my skin, a tear trickled down my face. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t cry out for help, I couldn’t let out even a whimper. I never told a soul about the things I experienced, I did not dare even think about it, I was scared God would hear and punish me more. Each time I would take a shovel and bury the hurt and pain into the darkest aspects of my inner being, pretending that what was on the surface was real. Overtime, I have slowly removed each stitch, with each slither of frayed thread I pluck away, the more confidence I gain to speak out. This is first and foremost, a letter to you, with all the things I left unsaid.

I was afraid. I cowered at the thought of being alone in the dark. Piece by piece you stripped me of my dignity, with each blow, part of me disappeared, fading further into the darkness. My desperation grew and my hope vanished as the light dimmed. Just like an onion, the layers kept peeling back until I was raw. Nothing but red, bloody, beaten flesh.

As you pounded my rib cage with your heavy fist, I closed my eyes and prayed that this was all a bad dream. I often wished that I would fall asleep and not wake up to the nightmare formerly known as my reality. I would feel frail and weak as I opened them only to realise that you were still there. I became numb, a passive medium, broken on the inside. If anyone seen the outside, underneath my clothes, they would have questioned why I stayed. The truth is, I felt like I had no where to go. The bruises were’t just skin deep, they tarnished my soul and diminished my self worth. I prayed endlessly and I questioned God’s existence.

On one occasion, I tried to run. You had me bent over the bed, my arms pinned over my head, I was stark naked. You called me fat, even though you knew I had not eaten in 2 days. Momentarily, you let go of my wrists and I saw my chance. I quickly snapped up and pushed you away, I ran down the hall, bare and vulnerable. You came after me, your thunderous footsteps smacking the tiled floor. I was panicking. My breaths were short and shallow. My heart sank as I came to a dead end… I spun around, you were behind me. You grabbed my wrist and flung me on to the floor, my left shoulder dislocated. I screamed out in agony. Clutching my shoulder, tears now freely flowing down my face and naked body. You looked at me and walked away shaking your head.

That night, after banging my shoulder against a wall to force it back into its place, I drove home. Emotionally shattered and physically broken. I turned off the radio so it was just me and the negative thoughts that flooded my mind. I could end everything here, the suffering, the pain… I caught a glimpse of a large tree up ahead, it was dark and the street was poorly lit. I sped up. I was going 110km/hr in a 60 zone. “This is it…” I thought, the tree was barely 50m away and suddenly happy thoughts and feelings engulfed me, memories played themselves in my mind, I swerved and slammed on the brakes. Not today, not today.

It was only last year that I stepped into a church for the first time in forever. The pastor was talking about how God has great plans for us, I remember sitting there and nearly scoffing out loud. But then as he continued, he said something and I felt as though he was speaking directly to me, as if this is what I had been needing to hear for a very long time, he said, “God isn’t finished yet.” I broke down in tears.

I am still haunted by every last hit. I have the same dream over and over again, where I hope that things will be different, that the next time you say sorry, you will mean it. As I sit here writing this, I am shaking. The pain that I buried for so long, has resurfaced. This time, I will be courageous. I will face my greatest fear. But please know, this will be the last time I ever write about you, you are worth nothing to me. This is your final chapter, in my ongoing story, and guess what, the best is yet to come.

Until next time x

Chapter 2.5

My face is wet and my eyes are red. In the last 2 days I have slept maybe 2 hours. My housemate’s have left, there is nothing but me and the sound of my fan spinning and cutting through the dense air. It’s hard to breathe. I can’t decipher what emotion I am feeling, it comes in waves, I feel nothing and then everything all at once. I’ve had too much time to think about everything that has been, everything that could have been and everything that will be. I wonder what there is left to think about, then I hate myself as more thoughts flood my mind.

I’ve never fallen so hard… I want to believe that everything will be okay, but I cannot trust anyone to pick me back up, not even myself. My stomach lurches as I reflect on the memories we have made and the likelihood that there isn’t going to be anymore. I crossed the bridge before burning it down, the embers that remain are still lightly burning, in the hope that an old flame can rekindle. I wonder if I rebuild the bridge, that it will be strong enough for me to cross back to the other side, however the bridge is extremely delicate and there will always be one piece missing. The smallest gust of wind will cause the bridge to crumble. I look to the path in front of me and once more back at the bridge, this time I see you.

You are standing on the remains of the river bank, the bridge no longer between us, neither one of us can cross to see the other without walking across the hot coals. You smile at me, after all this time, you are still here. No party is brave enough to make the first move, I stare longingly at the other side, at everything I have ever wanted and look forward once again at the path ahead… The path ahead is flat and smooth, it appears to have no destination but promises a journey. I turn once more towards you and the remains of the bridge, but you have turned away. I call out to you, but still you don’t turn to face me.

Without thinking I step down into the hot ashes. You hear the crunch of the frail blackened wood and peer over your shoulder, I take another step. The cinders are burning my bare feet, the agony becomes overwhelming, I let out a whimper as I take yet another step closer towards you. You’re still looking away, but I am here, I am trying, I am fighting. I try to steady myself on the hot coals, I stumble and stretch out my arm to break my fall, my hand sizzles as it comes into contact with scorching chunks of charcoal, I scream. I yell out to you, I can’t go any further, for this to work, we have to meet half way and start to build a middle ground.

I’m still stuck in the scorching embers, a fire I personally lit. I am praying that you will give love a chance. I’m not asking you to help me out of the fire pit, I’m asking that you meet me there. It isn’t going to be easy, it never will be easy. I cannot promise you forever, I cannot promise you a year from now, I cannot promise you a month from now or even a week from now, but what I can promise you is today. This was something I said before I burnt down the bridge, but I mean it now more than ever, you just have to take a leap of faith.

My feet are blistered and my heart is heavy. Still hoping you will turn around, still stumbling through the burning ashes, still hoping for a better tomorrow.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
Hebrews 11:1

Until next time x

Chapter 1.5

Cloud cover has been forecast over my life for an indefinite period. The nights seem longer than ever because the sun simply refuses to shine. I question if the sun still exists, if it pity’s me as much as I pity myself. I choose to believe that I will find a flicker of light in these dark times, but it’s like looking for a rain drop in the ocean.

I had an endless amount of sun beaming over me each day that I chose you, it’s radiance made my skin feel warm and my heart feel wholesome, I felt as though I had purpose. But I grew to question, is this all there is? Greed is an insatiable feeling, it consumes you from the inside out until you have possibly everything you ever wanted, except the most important thing that you let slip away as you were on your journey to self fulfilment. 

I pray that I am the caterpillar entering the cocoon, not knowing where she is going, just hoping that one day things will be different. Then eventually she will break free, emerging from her dark confinement more beautiful and stronger than ever before. It is hope that drives us, hope that keeps us here for tomorrow, contrarily, tomorrow cannot come soon enough.

The day I decided to stop choosing you, was the day I started to choose me. Selfish it must sound, but I have never truly been alone, it is something I wanted to experience because I thought that in order to be whole with somebody else, I had to be a whole with myself. I am still struggling to come to terms with the decision I made, hasty it must appear, I cannot tell you if it was the right thing to do, but it is something I needed to do.

I keep revisiting days where I do not wish to invite myself in, the darkest aspects of my inner being. The hurt, the physicality, it all feels so real, even still. I feel so numb and broken, I want to feel something other than self hatred… I never initially chose pain as the alternate feeling, it was cast upon me unwillingly, then it became the only way I could escape from my harsh and cruel reality. I never asked to be hurt the way I was, I never asked to be tortured the way I was, but I still feel like I deserve every second of it. 

I kept clinging to the thought of a better tomorrow, then you appeared. You saved me. Like a beacon of light, shining over the stormy seas, reaching the eyes of a lost traveller, trying to swim her way out of shark infested waters. But I can’t expect you to save me every time I lose sight of the shore, I might drown, I might make it, I’m still swimming against the strong currents, but the hope that one day the light house can turn off its light and the traveller will still be safe is what drives my journey.

I want to believe that everything will be okay, but it’s not now and it probably won’t be for a very long time. It’s time I explore the emotions that are weighing me down, pulling me to the dark depths of the ocean floor. 

Still travelling, still swimming, still searching for a way out of the bitter cold sea. 

“Be strong. Be brave. Be fearless. You are never alone.”

Joshua 1:9

Until next time x