Chapter 6

One step forward, two steps back.

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It’s been a while since I’ve written, I thought things were improving, I thought I was changing, I thought I was better than this, but I was wrong.

I thought I could handle the waves and now I’m back floundering in the ocean, without a life jacket. It was all a facade. The waves are too strong and I’m struggling to find the strength to swim. The sea is harsh and cold, I gasp for air as I slowly begin to sink back to the bottom of the ocean floor. Water floods into my lungs as I desperately flail my arms in an attempt to swim back to the surface. My eyes burn as I try to see underwater, as I try to make sense of how I managed to get back to this point, but just like my vision, its all a blur. Darkness closes in and my body becomes limp, my eyes begin to close, my heart begins to slow. I feel cold and then I feel nothing.

I continue to sink, unaware of my surroundings, unaware of where I am going, but realising that this could be it. I do not welcome fear, I try to be brave as I accept the fate that I have bestowed upon myself. I want to believe that there is still hope for me to be rescued, but it has happened one too many times. I’m too deep, no one can reach me. I try to recall how I was still so lost, but so convinced everything was ok. The pieces of myself scattered across the sea bed. There is a gaping hole that can only be filled with the answer to, who am I?

My limp body descends further towards the dirty sand, the buoyancy of the water allows for a slow almost graceful sinkage. I am remorseful, but it’s too late.

Battling to keep my heart beating as it is slowly pulled from my chest.

Until next time x.

rocky pool

 

 

Chapter 4

The crossroad

4 weeks into my sobriety and I have never felt better. I still feel lost, but more so on a journey to self discovery. I am still full of regret, and will never be more sorry to the person I hurt the most, but today I look forward. It is time to stop regretting, time to stop feeling guilty and time to stop worrying about everything that has been, now it is time to take the first step out of the hot ashes, away from the burnt bridge, towards the path ahead. I am still hoping that you will join me, and hold my hand as we move forward from this together. Leaving the hurt and anguish behind us, starting afresh.

I can promise you that none of this will be easy, but for the first time in a long time, I can see a light at the end of this tunnel, I can see the shore from the middle of the sea, I know that the traveller will find her way without the lighthouse, because she has visited hell, been beaten by the devil and still managed to live to tell her story.

Too many tears have fallen, too many lies have been spoken and too many hearts have been broken. I will wait for you to choose your direction, there is a road we can take together or there is one which you can take alone, but please choose carefully, once you decide, there is no turning back, with or without you I will keep walking.

The ocean has calmed and the darkness is fading, there are most definitely better days ahead. I hope that you will be apart of what is still yet to come, but I understand if you choose to walk away. I’m tired of fighting and my hands hurt from clinging to the idea that there could be a chance for us. This weekend is so significant, I am all in, I have everything to gain, but everything to lose, I will accept which ever way the dice rolls and will keep moving forward, with or without you.

I’ll let you know if I win big, or if I lose it all.

Until next time x

 

Chapter 3

Inhale courage, exhale fear

You know who you are,

You took a searing hot needle and stitched my lips tightly shut, each time you pierced my skin, a tear trickled down my face. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t cry out for help, I couldn’t let out even a whimper. I never told a soul about the things I experienced, I did not dare even think about it, I was scared God would hear and punish me more. Each time I would take a shovel and bury the hurt and pain into the darkest aspects of my inner being, pretending that what was on the surface was real. Overtime, I have slowly removed each stitch, with each slither of frayed thread I pluck away, the more confidence I gain to speak out. This is first and foremost, a letter to you, with all the things I left unsaid.

I was afraid. I cowered at the thought of being alone in the dark. Piece by piece you stripped me of my dignity, with each blow, part of me disappeared, fading further into the darkness. My desperation grew and my hope vanished as the light dimmed. Just like an onion, the layers kept peeling back until I was raw. Nothing but red, bloody, beaten flesh.

As you pounded my rib cage with your heavy fist, I closed my eyes and prayed that this was all a bad dream. I often wished that I would fall asleep and not wake up to the nightmare formerly known as my reality. I would feel frail and weak as I opened them only to realise that you were still there. I became numb, a passive medium, broken on the inside. If anyone seen the outside, underneath my clothes, they would have questioned why I stayed. The truth is, I felt like I had no where to go. The bruises were’t just skin deep, they tarnished my soul and diminished my self worth. I prayed endlessly and I questioned God’s existence.

On one occasion, I tried to run. You had me bent over the bed, my arms pinned over my head, I was stark naked. You called me fat, even though you knew I had not eaten in 2 days. Momentarily, you let go of my wrists and I saw my chance. I quickly snapped up and pushed you away, I ran down the hall, bare and vulnerable. You came after me, your thunderous footsteps smacking the tiled floor. I was panicking. My breaths were short and shallow. My heart sank as I came to a dead end… I spun around, you were behind me. You grabbed my wrist and flung me on to the floor, my left shoulder dislocated. I screamed out in agony. Clutching my shoulder, tears now freely flowing down my face and naked body. You looked at me and walked away shaking your head.

That night, after banging my shoulder against a wall to force it back into its place, I drove home. Emotionally shattered and physically broken. I turned off the radio so it was just me and the negative thoughts that flooded my mind. I could end everything here, the suffering, the pain… I caught a glimpse of a large tree up ahead, it was dark and the street was poorly lit. I sped up. I was going 110km/hr in a 60 zone. “This is it…” I thought, the tree was barely 50m away and suddenly happy thoughts and feelings engulfed me, memories played themselves in my mind, I swerved and slammed on the brakes. Not today, not today.

It was only last year that I stepped into a church for the first time in forever. The pastor was talking about how God has great plans for us, I remember sitting there and nearly scoffing out loud. But then as he continued, he said something and I felt as though he was speaking directly to me, as if this is what I had been needing to hear for a very long time, he said, “God isn’t finished yet.” I broke down in tears.

I am still haunted by every last hit. I have the same dream over and over again, where I hope that things will be different, that the next time you say sorry, you will mean it. As I sit here writing this, I am shaking. The pain that I buried for so long, has resurfaced. This time, I will be courageous. I will face my greatest fear. But please know, this will be the last time I ever write about you, you are worth nothing to me. This is your final chapter, in my ongoing story, and guess what, the best is yet to come.

Until next time x

beach1

Chapter 1

A short fall from grace

As I sit writing this post, I am wearing a shirt that says “Pretty good with bad decisions”. I admit, I have felt low before, but never quite like this. If there was ever a time that I wanted to drink my body weight in wine, it would be now. However last week I decided to commit to 6 weeks sober… What a silly idea that was…

Have you ever gambled? The excitement and thrill of it is so appealing. You have a win, so you place another bet. You keep winning, so you keep placing bets, each one posing a greater risk than the last. But in the end, you lose it all… Tonight, I lost everything. I hurt someone, someone I love and care for deeply. The saddest part about it, is I have no one to blame but myself.

Michael, if you are reading this, I just want you to know how sorry I am.

The perception that the grass is greener on the other side is extremely misleading. My journey to this supposed grass, was a quick short fall, where with every branch I hit on the way down, I lost another little piece of my dignity. I started this blog to help me understand me. So far, I’m not doing a very good job.

It’s disappointing to think that everyone was fighting for me, except me. The one person I wanted to keep fighting, decided his time in the ring was over, and it was time for him to walk away. The decision between walking away and trying harder is never easy, but there are only so many times you can get knocked down and get back up again.

I wanted to be alone and now I am. It is possibly the scariest thing I can ever imagine. My eyes are burning from all the tears I have cried, the small cuts on my thigh stinging more now than they ever have before, my limbs feel weak and heavy from all the energy I have exhausted, i feel nauseous from all the food I have not eaten and my heart is racing as my mind comes to terms with the fact that this is real. Negative thoughts flood and fill the empty cavity where I reside, I feel lost in a sea of pessimism and fearful that no one will save me from drowning.

I look to the horizon in the hope that you will reach out your hand and rescue me as you always do. I keep looking, but you are no where to be seen. Reality finally sinks in, like an anchor pulling me further into the abyss, you are gone and you’re not coming back. If I want to survive this, I have to swim.

When I find the shore I’ll let you know.
Until next time x.tas1.jpg