Chapter 2.5

Without a spark, a lonely ember

My face is wet and my eyes are red. In the last 2 days I have slept maybe 2 hours. My housemate’s have left, there is nothing but me and the sound of my fan spinning and cutting through the dense air. It’s hard to breathe. I can’t decipher what emotion I am feeling, it comes in waves, I feel nothing and then everything all at once. I’ve had too much time to think about everything that has been, everything that could have been and everything that will be. I wonder what there is left to think about, then I hate myself as more thoughts flood my mind.

I’ve never fallen so hard… I want to believe that everything will be okay, but I cannot trust anyone to pick me back up, not even myself. My stomach lurches as I reflect on the memories we have made and the likelihood that there isn’t going to be anymore. I crossed the bridge before burning it down, the embers that remain are still lightly burning, in the hope that an old flame can rekindle. I wonder if I rebuild the bridge, that it will be strong enough for me to cross back to the other side, however the bridge is extremely delicate and there will always be one piece missing. The smallest gust of wind will cause the bridge to crumble. I look to the path in front of me and once more back at the bridge, this time I see you.

You are standing on the remains of the river bank, the bridge no longer between us, neither one of us can cross to see the other without walking across the hot coals. You smile at me, after all this time, you are still here. No party is brave enough to make the first move, I stare longingly at the other side, at everything I have ever wanted and look forward once again at the path ahead… The path ahead is flat and smooth, it appears to have no destination but promises a journey. I turn once more towards you and the remains of the bridge, but you have turned away. I call out to you, but still you don’t turn to face me.

Without thinking I step down into the hot ashes. You hear the crunch of the frail blackened wood and peer over your shoulder, I take another step. The cinders are burning my bare feet, the agony becomes overwhelming, I let out a whimper as I take yet another step closer towards you. You’re still looking away, but I am here, I am trying, I am fighting. I try to steady myself on the hot coals, I stumble and stretch out my arm to break my fall, my hand sizzles as it comes into contact with scorching chunks of charcoal, I scream. I yell out to you, I can’t go any further, for this to work, we have to meet half way and start to build a middle ground.

I’m still stuck in the scorching embers, a fire I personally lit. I am praying that you will give love a chance. I’m not asking you to help me out of the fire pit, I’m asking that you meet me there. It isn’t going to be easy, it never will be easy. I cannot promise you forever, I cannot promise you a year from now, I cannot promise you a month from now or even a week from now, but what I can promise you is today. This was something I said before I burnt down the bridge, but I mean it now more than ever, you just have to take a leap of faith.

My feet are blistered and my heart is heavy. Still hoping you will turn around, still stumbling through the burning ashes, still hoping for a better tomorrow.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
Hebrews 11:1

Until next time x

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