Chapter 6

One step forward, two steps back.

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It’s been a while since I’ve written, I thought things were improving, I thought I was changing, I thought I was better than this, but I was wrong.

I thought I could handle the waves and now I’m back floundering in the ocean, without a life jacket. It was all a facade. The waves are too strong and I’m struggling to find the strength to swim. The sea is harsh and cold, I gasp for air as I slowly begin to sink back to the bottom of the ocean floor. Water floods into my lungs as I desperately flail my arms in an attempt to swim back to the surface. My eyes burn as I try to see underwater, as I try to make sense of how I managed to get back to this point, but just like my vision, its all a blur. Darkness closes in and my body becomes limp, my eyes begin to close, my heart begins to slow. I feel cold and then I feel nothing.

I continue to sink, unaware of my surroundings, unaware of where I am going, but realising that this could be it. I do not welcome fear, I try to be brave as I accept the fate that I have bestowed upon myself. I want to believe that there is still hope for me to be rescued, but it has happened one too many times. I’m too deep, no one can reach me. I try to recall how I was still so lost, but so convinced everything was ok. The pieces of myself scattered across the sea bed. There is a gaping hole that can only be filled with the answer to, who am I?

My limp body descends further towards the dirty sand, the buoyancy of the water allows for a slow almost graceful sinkage. I am remorseful, but it’s too late.

Battling to keep my heart beating as it is slowly pulled from my chest.

Until next time x.

rocky pool

 

 

Chapter 5

Not goodbye, just ‘so long’…

5 years have flown by, you are now just a ghost,
but it feels like just yesterday I was in the scullery eating poached eggs on toast.

There are so many things I wish you were here to see,
to watch me grow and change into who I’m supposed to be.
I hope heaven is real, and that you’re really up there,
watching over us all, saying a little prayer.

I remember your fluffy white hair, and you teaching me to read,
playing shops and monopoly, they’re good memories indeed.
My heart is still healing, you could never be replaced,
I need your guidance, to help with the challenges I face.

I normally write fluently and with great ease,
but this is taking some time because of what it means.
No words could describe your spirit in the justice it deserves,
But I can try to convey the memories that my heart closely conserves.

You inspired me to live my dreams and never stop achieving,
I’m nearly finished my degree, because you taught me to keep believing.
I wish you were going to be there at my graduation day,
I’ll be thinking of you and will always wonder what you would say.

I hope you are proud of the person I am starting to become,
unfortunately everyone thinks I look like mum…
But in all seriousness, I really want to thank you,
because you were such an influential woman who I still look up to.

On the 23rd of April, I always buy a rose,
I place it in the garden, and watch as its life slows.
It serves as a reminder, that the living will always depart,
but your memory will live on forever, always in my heart.

Happy Birthday xnanna