It’s been a while since I’ve written, I thought things were improving, I thought I was changing, I thought I was better than this, but I was wrong.
I thought I could handle the waves and now I’m back floundering in the ocean, without a life jacket. It was all a facade. The waves are too strong and I’m struggling to find the strength to swim. The sea is harsh and cold, I gasp for air as I slowly begin to sink back to the bottom of the ocean floor. Water floods into my lungs as I desperately flail my arms in an attempt to swim back to the surface. My eyes burn as I try to see underwater, as I try to make sense of how I managed to get back to this point, but just like my vision, its all a blur. Darkness closes in and my body becomes limp, my eyes begin to close, my heart begins to slow. I feel cold and then I feel nothing.
I continue to sink, unaware of my surroundings, unaware of where I am going, but realising that this could be it. I do not welcome fear, I try to be brave as I accept the fate that I have bestowed upon myself. I want to believe that there is still hope for me to be rescued, but it has happened one too many times. I’m too deep, no one can reach me. I try to recall how I was still so lost, but so convinced everything was ok. The pieces of myself scattered across the sea bed. There is a gaping hole that can only be filled with the answer to, who am I?
My limp body descends further towards the dirty sand, the buoyancy of the water allows for a slow almost graceful sinkage. I am remorseful, but it’s too late.
Battling to keep my heart beating as it is slowly pulled from my chest.
Until next time x.