Chapter 1.5

Shark infested waters

Cloud cover has been forecast over my life for an indefinite period. The nights seem longer than ever because the sun simply refuses to shine. I question if the sun still exists, if it pity’s me as much as I pity myself. I choose to believe that I will find a flicker of light in these dark times, but it’s like looking for a rain drop in the ocean.

I had an endless amount of sun beaming over me each day that I chose you, it’s radiance made my skin feel warm and my heart feel wholesome, I felt as though I had purpose. But I grew to question, is this all there is? Greed is an insatiable feeling, it consumes you from the inside out until you have possibly everything you ever wanted, except the most important thing that you let slip away as you were on your journey to self fulfilment. 

I pray that I am the caterpillar entering the cocoon, not knowing where she is going, just hoping that one day things will be different. Then eventually she will break free, emerging from her dark confinement more beautiful and stronger than ever before. It is hope that drives us, hope that keeps us here for tomorrow, contrarily, tomorrow cannot come soon enough.

The day I decided to stop choosing you, was the day I started to choose me. Selfish it must sound, but I have never truly been alone, it is something I wanted to experience because I thought that in order to be whole with somebody else, I had to be a whole with myself. I am still struggling to come to terms with the decision I made, hasty it must appear, I cannot tell you if it was the right thing to do, but it is something I needed to do.

I keep revisiting days where I do not wish to invite myself in, the darkest aspects of my inner being. The hurt, the physicality, it all feels so real, even still. I feel so numb and broken, I want to feel something other than self hatred… I never initially chose pain as the alternate feeling, it was cast upon me unwillingly, then it became the only way I could escape from my harsh and cruel reality. I never asked to be hurt the way I was, I never asked to be tortured the way I was, but I still feel like I deserve every second of it. 

I kept clinging to the thought of a better tomorrow, then you appeared. You saved me. Like a beacon of light, shining over the stormy seas, reaching the eyes of a lost traveller, trying to swim her way out of shark infested waters. But I can’t expect you to save me every time I lose sight of the shore, I might drown, I might make it, I’m still swimming against the strong currents, but the hope that one day the light house can turn off its light and the traveller will still be safe is what drives my journey.

I want to believe that everything will be okay, but it’s not now and it probably won’t be for a very long time. It’s time I explore the emotions that are weighing me down, pulling me to the dark depths of the ocean floor. 

Still travelling, still swimming, still searching for a way out of the bitter cold sea. 

“Be strong. Be brave. Be fearless. You are never alone.”

Joshua 1:9

Until next time x

Chapter 1

A short fall from grace

As I sit writing this post, I am wearing a shirt that says “Pretty good with bad decisions”. I admit, I have felt low before, but never quite like this. If there was ever a time that I wanted to drink my body weight in wine, it would be now. However last week I decided to commit to 6 weeks sober… What a silly idea that was…

Have you ever gambled? The excitement and thrill of it is so appealing. You have a win, so you place another bet. You keep winning, so you keep placing bets, each one posing a greater risk than the last. But in the end, you lose it all… Tonight, I lost everything. I hurt someone, someone I love and care for deeply. The saddest part about it, is I have no one to blame but myself.

Michael, if you are reading this, I just want you to know how sorry I am.

The perception that the grass is greener on the other side is extremely misleading. My journey to this supposed grass, was a quick short fall, where with every branch I hit on the way down, I lost another little piece of my dignity. I started this blog to help me understand me. So far, I’m not doing a very good job.

It’s disappointing to think that everyone was fighting for me, except me. The one person I wanted to keep fighting, decided his time in the ring was over, and it was time for him to walk away. The decision between walking away and trying harder is never easy, but there are only so many times you can get knocked down and get back up again.

I wanted to be alone and now I am. It is possibly the scariest thing I can ever imagine. My eyes are burning from all the tears I have cried, the small cuts on my thigh stinging more now than they ever have before, my limbs feel weak and heavy from all the energy I have exhausted, i feel nauseous from all the food I have not eaten and my heart is racing as my mind comes to terms with the fact that this is real. Negative thoughts flood and fill the empty cavity where I reside, I feel lost in a sea of pessimism and fearful that no one will save me from drowning.

I look to the horizon in the hope that you will reach out your hand and rescue me as you always do. I keep looking, but you are no where to be seen. Reality finally sinks in, like an anchor pulling me further into the abyss, you are gone and you’re not coming back. If I want to survive this, I have to swim.

When I find the shore I’ll let you know.
Until next time x.tas1.jpg

 

Prologue

The beginning of new beginnings.

If 22 wasn’t such a good age, Taylor Swift wouldn’t have written a song about it. In this moment, at 22 years of age it seems like the world is at my feet. I am starting this blog to help me understand me. I’ve never felt so empowered, yet so vulnerable.

It’s scary to think that at the end of this year I will be a qualified physiotherapist, my teenage dream about to come true, everything I have worked so hard for over the last four years is about to become a reality. But I don’t feel ready. Not in the slightest. This signifies the end of something and the start of another, the transition to real adult life… Where I have to work 6 days a week to pay off a mortgage on a house that I probably don’t even like, pay off a loan on a car that I won’t be able to resell for half the price I bought it for, start putting money into superannuation (whatever the hell that is), start saving for the holidays I’ll never take and start walking the dog who will pass away before I’m 40.

It scares me to think that I can’t even look after myself on a Saturday night, let alone take on a full patient load as a new grad. Speaking of Saturday nights and Friday nights… And Wednesday Uni nights… And Thirsty Thursdays… Over the last 6 months in particular I have felt that wine and vodka have been my only friends. Even though on many occasions they have both caused projectile expulsion of my stomach contents. I think that maybe I’ll forget about the reality I’ll be faced with in December, the decisions I’ll have to make regarding my career and my relationship. Alcohol allows me to have the night off from thinking, worrying and dwelling and let’s me have a good time with the girls. But much to my dismay, all the things that are bothering me are still there when I wake up in the morning, only they are compounded by a splitting headache, an upset stomach and much confusion as to whether or not I’m still drunk – AKA the classic hangover.

Wednesday night just gone I had a big night… Before leaving the house my housemate and I drank two bottles of wine each and when we arrived at the uni night hotspot “Flamingo’s on Quay” we subjected ourselves to many vodka OJs and shots. We danced to ‘Closer’ by the Chainsmokers and got ‘low’ to Flo Rida in true white girl style, we took drunk club photos that we didn’t remember until we seen them the next day and we stumbled back into the house at 4am on Thursday morning. I slept for 2 hours, before waking up still very intoxicated and needing to go to the toilet. I decided a to have a shower, I just sat there trying to hold down last nights liquor, the water ran over me, and I thought to myself, “Do I really want to wake up feeling like this?” – The answer was no. I felt horrible. In that moment I decided that my partying and binge drinking was taking its toll on my liver and more importantly my bank account… It’s hard enough being a student with a low income, paying rent and buying food, but when unexpected things like your $700 car rego come in the mail and you have no money to pay for it because you just blew nearly $200 on liquid that is potentially going to make a reappearance at any second, you realise something needs to change.

This is where I decided that I was going to pick up my act – a 6 week detox. A cleanse of sorts. I posted a photo to my Instagram declaring what I was going to do and so that my regular partying buddies knew I was serious and this was not just a whim. Of course many people scoffed at the idea, my own family placed bets on how long I would last. At first this disappointed me, but now I am even more determined.

6 weeks sober. Let’s do this!
Until next time xbeach happy