Fresh start for fresh beginnings

Some people come into your life, and walk straight back out. Others are here to stay for a little bit longer. But we can’t be upset with those who don’t hang around to enjoy the ride, we just have to appreciate the impact that they have made on us for that short while. The people who hang around, I’ve learned, are the true friends, true loves and true souls. The people who don’t care if you sing your heart out to Ed Sheeran, the people who love that you get white girl low to Flo Rida, the people who eat McDonald’s with you at 3am while you cry to Marley and Me, the people who aren’t afraid to see you at your worst, the people who stand by you to bring out your best.

It’s been a long journey, I’ve been walking in the sun, along the beautiful beach of life. My travels have been enlightening, my self confidence has grown and my outlook more positive than ever. I turn around to see how far I have come, only to see that the waves have washed away my footprints, it becomes clear that the past no longer matters, how far I’ve come on a thousand mile journey doesn’t define me, it’s the people I’ve picked up along the way and the ones who were always there that have made reaching the destination so promising.

I’ve never been great at self love, but when you surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, what you’re passionate about and what you do with your life, you start to see what all the fuss is about. I may spend my Saturday’s with a vodka lime soda in hand dancing to some shitty RnB music, I might spend all of my Monday in bed reading a cheesy romance novel, I sometimes spend 2 hours getting ready to go on a lunch date, I might fake tan once a week and drive a car that has leopard print seat covers but these things make me, me. We are always changing and always growing, sometimes the self love has a bit of catching up to do, but you have to begin to understand that life is too short to worry about anything other than being happy.

I can’t tell you whats next, I can’t tell you who will stick around, but I can tell you it will all be worth it.

Until next time x

4wd beach

Chapter 8

The best is yet to come…

Its been a long road.

I still flinch at the thought of getting make up on someone’s shirt. I still worry that I am too fat for my size 6 clothing. I still feel nauseated by the person I see in the mirror every single day, knowing that she let you get away with it all.

I still feel every hand print you laid, the air escaping my lungs as you held me down by the throat, the familiar sting that remained on my face, the crack my rib made as you pounded it one too many times, the numbness that would overwhelm me, the dark thoughts that would consume me, the bruises that I concealed so well – it’s like reliving a nightmare over and over again.

We never fully heal until we accept the deepest darkest parts of our lives. I can tell you what its like, to sink into the abyss. I can tell you the swim back to the surface is long, hard and there will be many times where you feel like giving up. But I can tell you, that once you take your first breath of air from up above and see the sun still rises to shine through another day, it will all be worth it.

Still afloat, more content with life than ever before.

Until next time xx

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Chapter 7

Waving the white flag: surrendering to inner peace

It’s 1am on a warm winter night, I am tossing and turning trying to ease myself into sleep. Thoughts continuously entering and leaving my mind like it’s a cheap hooker on a Friday night. Each thought takes with it some of my dignity as it leaves the hollow space between my ears. I reminisce over all that has been and all that could have been, as the guilt consumes me with each passing memory. My own personal slide show, dedicated to the terrible person I have become over the last 6 months. A constant reminder of why I ended up here, but still leaving me to question how I managed to sink this low.

I am thankful for the people who have reached out to me, a hand to hold, an ear to listen. But I’m afraid the descent to where I am now is beyond arms reach. I feel trapped, a prisoner to my own cruel mind. I desperately look for an escape from the claustrophobic cell and find myself suffocating as the space becomes smaller and smaller as more negative thoughts choose to reside here. 

I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have been here before, but not for a very long time. The last escape I made was through a crack in the wall, I dug and clawed away with my bare hands until I finally found my freedom. But another has been here before me, and plastered over my old ways, the old me, she’s gone. I look up from the bottom of my dwelling, it’s a long way to the top, but I can see the sun. It’s shining. It’s calling my name. 

I look longingly at it, the rays beaming over me, filling me with warmth. There is nobody here but me. I found my way out once, I will do it again. The sun has given me hope, that there are far better days ahead than any we leave behind. 

The pieces of my soul have been scattered across the floor, and the only glue that can fix them back together is self love. There is a long and gruelling climb ahead, but I look up and see everything and everyone waiting for me, I may have lost my way, but I am not lost, I am where I am supposed to be at this very moment in time.

Finding the courage to take the first step towards freedom.

Until next time x

Chapter 6

One step forward, two steps back.

It’s been a while since I’ve written, I thought things were improving, I thought I was changing, I thought I was better than this, but I was wrong.

I thought I could handle the waves and now I’m back floundering in the ocean, without a life jacket. It was all a facade. The waves are too strong and I’m struggling to find the strength to swim. The sea is harsh and cold, I gasp for air as I slowly begin to sink back to the bottom of the ocean floor. Water floods into my lungs as I desperately flail my arms in an attempt to swim back to the surface. My eyes burn as I try to see underwater, as I try to make sense of how I managed to get back to this point, but just like my vision, its all a blur. Darkness closes in and my body becomes limp, my eyes begin to close, my heart begins to slow. I feel cold and then I feel nothing.

I continue to sink, unaware of my surroundings, unaware of where I am going, but realising that this could be it. I do not welcome fear, I try to be brave as I accept the fate that I have bestowed upon myself. I want to believe that there is still hope for me to be rescued, but it has happened one too many times. I’m too deep, no one can reach me. I try to recall how I was still so lost, but so convinced everything was ok. The pieces of myself scattered across the sea bed. There is a gaping hole that can only be filled with the answer to, who am I?

My limp body descends further towards the dirty sand, the buoyancy of the water allows for a slow almost graceful sinkage. I am remorseful, but it’s too late.

Battling to keep my heart beating as it is slowly pulled from my chest.

Until next time x.

rocky pool

 

 

Chapter 5

Not goodbye, just ‘so long’…

5 years have flown by, you are now just a ghost,
but it feels like just yesterday I was in the scullery eating poached eggs on toast.

There are so many things I wish you were here to see,
to watch me grow and change into who I’m supposed to be.
I hope heaven is real, and that you’re really up there,
watching over us all, saying a little prayer.

I remember your fluffy white hair, and you teaching me to read,
playing shops and monopoly, they’re good memories indeed.
My heart is still healing, you could never be replaced,
I need your guidance, to help with the challenges I face.

I normally write fluently and with great ease,
but this is taking some time because of what it means.
No words could describe your spirit in the justice it deserves,
But I can try to convey the memories that my heart closely conserves.

You inspired me to live my dreams and never stop achieving,
I’m nearly finished my degree, because you taught me to keep believing.
I wish you were going to be there at my graduation day,
I’ll be thinking of you and will always wonder what you would say.

I hope you are proud of the person I am starting to become,
unfortunately everyone thinks I look like mum…
But in all seriousness, I really want to thank you,
because you were such an influential woman who I still look up to.

On the 23rd of April, I always buy a rose,
I place it in the garden, and watch as its life slows.
It serves as a reminder, that the living will always depart,
but your memory will live on forever, always in my heart.

Happy Birthday xnanna

Chapter 4

The crossroad

4 weeks into my sobriety and I have never felt better. I still feel lost, but more so on a journey to self discovery. I am still full of regret, and will never be more sorry to the person I hurt the most, but today I look forward. It is time to stop regretting, time to stop feeling guilty and time to stop worrying about everything that has been, now it is time to take the first step out of the hot ashes, away from the burnt bridge, towards the path ahead. I am still hoping that you will join me, and hold my hand as we move forward from this together. Leaving the hurt and anguish behind us, starting afresh.

I can promise you that none of this will be easy, but for the first time in a long time, I can see a light at the end of this tunnel, I can see the shore from the middle of the sea, I know that the traveller will find her way without the lighthouse, because she has visited hell, been beaten by the devil and still managed to live to tell her story.

Too many tears have fallen, too many lies have been spoken and too many hearts have been broken. I will wait for you to choose your direction, there is a road we can take together or there is one which you can take alone, but please choose carefully, once you decide, there is no turning back, with or without you I will keep walking.

The ocean has calmed and the darkness is fading, there are most definitely better days ahead. I hope that you will be apart of what is still yet to come, but I understand if you choose to walk away. I’m tired of fighting and my hands hurt from clinging to the idea that there could be a chance for us. This weekend is so significant, I am all in, I have everything to gain, but everything to lose, I will accept which ever way the dice rolls and will keep moving forward, with or without you.

I’ll let you know if I win big, or if I lose it all.

Until next time x

 

Chapter 3

Inhale courage, exhale fear

You know who you are,

You took a searing hot needle and stitched my lips tightly shut, each time you pierced my skin, a tear trickled down my face. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t cry out for help, I couldn’t let out even a whimper. I never told a soul about the things I experienced, I did not dare even think about it, I was scared God would hear and punish me more. Each time I would take a shovel and bury the hurt and pain into the darkest aspects of my inner being, pretending that what was on the surface was real. Overtime, I have slowly removed each stitch, with each slither of frayed thread I pluck away, the more confidence I gain to speak out. This is first and foremost, a letter to you, with all the things I left unsaid.

I was afraid. I cowered at the thought of being alone in the dark. Piece by piece you stripped me of my dignity, with each blow, part of me disappeared, fading further into the darkness. My desperation grew and my hope vanished as the light dimmed. Just like an onion, the layers kept peeling back until I was raw. Nothing but red, bloody, beaten flesh.

As you pounded my rib cage with your heavy fist, I closed my eyes and prayed that this was all a bad dream. I often wished that I would fall asleep and not wake up to the nightmare formerly known as my reality. I would feel frail and weak as I opened them only to realise that you were still there. I became numb, a passive medium, broken on the inside. If anyone seen the outside, underneath my clothes, they would have questioned why I stayed. The truth is, I felt like I had no where to go. The bruises were’t just skin deep, they tarnished my soul and diminished my self worth. I prayed endlessly and I questioned God’s existence.

On one occasion, I tried to run. You had me bent over the bed, my arms pinned over my head, I was stark naked. You called me fat, even though you knew I had not eaten in 2 days. Momentarily, you let go of my wrists and I saw my chance. I quickly snapped up and pushed you away, I ran down the hall, bare and vulnerable. You came after me, your thunderous footsteps smacking the tiled floor. I was panicking. My breaths were short and shallow. My heart sank as I came to a dead end… I spun around, you were behind me. You grabbed my wrist and flung me on to the floor, my left shoulder dislocated. I screamed out in agony. Clutching my shoulder, tears now freely flowing down my face and naked body. You looked at me and walked away shaking your head.

That night, after banging my shoulder against a wall to force it back into its place, I drove home. Emotionally shattered and physically broken. I turned off the radio so it was just me and the negative thoughts that flooded my mind. I could end everything here, the suffering, the pain… I caught a glimpse of a large tree up ahead, it was dark and the street was poorly lit. I sped up. I was going 110km/hr in a 60 zone. “This is it…” I thought, the tree was barely 50m away and suddenly happy thoughts and feelings engulfed me, memories played themselves in my mind, I swerved and slammed on the brakes. Not today, not today.

It was only last year that I stepped into a church for the first time in forever. The pastor was talking about how God has great plans for us, I remember sitting there and nearly scoffing out loud. But then as he continued, he said something and I felt as though he was speaking directly to me, as if this is what I had been needing to hear for a very long time, he said, “God isn’t finished yet.” I broke down in tears.

I am still haunted by every last hit. I have the same dream over and over again, where I hope that things will be different, that the next time you say sorry, you will mean it. As I sit here writing this, I am shaking. The pain that I buried for so long, has resurfaced. This time, I will be courageous. I will face my greatest fear. But please know, this will be the last time I ever write about you, you are worth nothing to me. This is your final chapter, in my ongoing story, and guess what, the best is yet to come.

Until next time x

beach1