Chapter 7

Waving the white flag: surrendering to inner peace

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It’s 1am on a warm winter night, I am tossing and turning trying to ease myself into sleep. Thoughts continuously entering and leaving my mind like it’s a cheap hooker on a Friday night. Each thought takes with it some of my dignity as it leaves the hollow space between my ears. I reminisce over all that has been and all that could have been, as the guilt consumes me with each passing memory. My own personal slide show, dedicated to the terrible person I have become over the last 6 months. A constant reminder of why I ended up here, but still leaving me to question how I managed to sink this low.

I am thankful for the people who have reached out to me, a hand to hold, an ear to listen. But I’m afraid the descent to where I am now is beyond arms reach. I feel trapped, a prisoner to my own cruel mind. I desperately look for an escape from the claustrophobic cell and find myself suffocating as the space becomes smaller and smaller as more negative thoughts choose to reside here. 

I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have been here before, but not for a very long time. The last escape I made was through a crack in the wall, I dug and clawed away with my bare hands until I finally found my freedom. But another has been here before me, and plastered over my old ways, the old me, she’s gone. I look up from the bottom of my dwelling, it’s a long way to the top, but I can see the sun. It’s shining. It’s calling my name. 

I look longingly at it, the rays beaming over me, filling me with warmth. There is nobody here but me. I found my way out once, I will do it again. The sun has given me hope, that there are far better days ahead than any we leave behind. 

The pieces of my soul have been scattered across the floor, and the only glue that can fix them back together is self love. There is a long and gruelling climb ahead, but I look up and see everything and everyone waiting for me, I may have lost my way, but I am not lost, I am where I am supposed to be at this very moment in time.

Finding the courage to take the first step towards freedom.

Until next time x

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